Shaken

I've been sitting here all night trying to do my homework, but I have had this pressure all day. At first, this pressure was in the fore front of my mind - confusion and reflection springing into every thought. Then the pressure jumped to my stomach. Shock and the urge to throw up until I had to lay down. And then that pressure entered my heart, my soul, my very being. My heart is breaking today. I can't concentrate, I can't eat. Therefore, I must write.

I've never felt so vulnerable about something as I have today. The sad truth though, is that it has nothing to do with me, my husband, or my marriage. Nothing at all and yet I feel it so freshly that it causes large alligator tears to well in my eyes. I feel it so close to the surface that as I brush away each tear, a new one streams into place.

My job has opened up so many opportunities for my husband and me; we have a financial security that is unheard of for college students, a beautiful home, and many more opportunities will stem from this experience. We meet wonderful people daily and have the great experience of getting to know individuals as close friends. We get to assume a responsibility that not only invokes us to try harder but fills our days with pride and ambition in the best sense. But my favorite part of my job, what keeps me going - the lifeblood through all of the stress this job undoubtedly brings as well - is the happiness I get to see.

Almost every day, a beautiful, perky girl enters the office with a shiny new rock on her finger, a smiling man by her side. They enter filled with such hope and happiness that it melts my heart. I see the start of marriages, the traces of love every single day. I see new husbands asking all of the right questions in order to provide for their sweethearts, I see hopelessly chipper wives preparing every needful thing. I see the obsession and compulsion I too had when man and woman walk into an apartment and start envisioning their new home together; smiles gleam, eyes brighten, and more importantly, hands clasp tighter together in anticipation. I see the beginning of families.

But I also see the end of families. It isn't hard to miss. It is hard to avoid the emails from concerned tenants about the slamming doors they've been hearing. It's hard to screen the phone calls from angered tenants about noise disturbances such as yelling, screaming, and crying that they've heard from upstairs. It is especially difficult to pull away from when a woman or a man sits in your office, eyes glazed over, explaining that they are going to be leaving their husband or wife in a matter of weeks. But I think the hardest thing to avoid is when you have to look at them in the eye and see the resolute look of triumph they give you as they say those words. 

Today was a day that was hard to forget.

Today, I was actually scared. Today, I felt the sting of divorce more strongly than the day my parent's announced their own. Today, I felt more vulnerable than I have ever felt since I've been married. Because today, I had a brand new bride sit in my office and say matter of factly that she was leaving her husband and he didn't even know. The joy she had with those biting words tore my soul apart with every syllable.

"He doesn't even know I'm leaving him!"

That part was hard to miss.

That sentence erupted forth with such joy and air of victory that I was rendered speechless. This new bride, who I had once seen so in love, had come in today as if the word 'divorce' was a synonym for 'I win!' And it crushed me. Crushed me to the point that I sit here now at 2:41 am unable to think about anything else. For a mind so attuned to debating about every little detail - high school medals and all to prove it - my mind keeps churning. I don't know what to do except for hug my husband a little bit tighter when I finally go to bed tonight.

I am literally speechless about this sudden 'confession', but the saddest part about it is the passion behind it. Perhaps it was just the way I perceived her tone, maybe it was her defense mechanism. However, my fear stems from this bride's idea that divorce is the only answer and that because she is declaring it without his knowledge, she is superior. How many other people think like this, this cruel idea that 'staying together' is weak and submissive? How did this bride go from ecstatic about her companion to ecstatic about leaving him in less than a month? The sad truth is that this isn't a one time occurrence. I receive phone calls like this almost monthly. Husbands will call and tell me to get rid of their application, they are divorcing within the month and no longer need an apartment together. Wives have called in asking if I can send them a receipt of all monetary transactions for divorce courts. Worst of all, I've had woman upon woman come into my office and with exasperation tell me that their husband has been verbally or physically abusing them and they need to know how to get out of the contract. But it wasn't until today that somebody came in with a gleam in their eye actually excited to be 'winning'. I know it wasn't my place but I really felt that I needed to ask her if they had sought any counseling. My question was met with the comment "I don't need counseling. I already know what they are going to say and I don't want to do it."

My heart is torn for this unsuspecting husband who in just a weeks time will be single again; possibly even unaware that there was ever even a problem. I shudder to think of the day when their apartment becomes a husk of a home, half of the furniture packed up and moved as if it couldn't get out fast enough. It is this part of my job that keeps me up at night, restless with anxiety and sympathy for this now broken family. The worst part of my job is that I feel absolutely powerless.

The only hope I do have to cling on to is my own marriage when it seems that divorce is prevalent around me. I wince when I think about my own sister's bridal shower: guests were asked to give their best marriage advice and jokingly someone stated that the only person who hadn't gotten a divorce from the 30 people in the room was me, who had been married for less than a year, and the new bride-to-be. 

Perhaps I take this subject too hard, maybe I'm just more empathetic because of my background, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if there is ever any hope for marriage in today's world. I lay awake tonight fearing for the day when I too might speak those words to someone - "I'm leaving him." and it is agonizing. I fear that one day my husband will come home and decide that marriage isn't what he thought it would be like. But the biggest fear I have is the fact that I have to even fear this. This society has burned a part of me that makes me unconditionally fear that this is even possible. Perhaps I am just dramatic, but there isn't a need for vivid imagination nowadays to see a marriage crumbling apart. Now let me be frank, my marriage is nowhere close to being in shambles. My husband and I understand the vows and covenants we made when we were married. We are stronger today than we were the day we got married. I can't even picture myself without Mitch. I have such love for him that it pains me to think about him leaving, even if it is only the weekend. I look forward to the day when Mitch and I are able to tell people that we have been married for 5, 10, 15, 50 years. I am more in love with my husband today than I ever have been, all of this experience aside. But there is a horrible nagging at my heart; that vulnerable fear that one day I might be just like this new bride, who relishes in thought of leaving her husband. Tonight, I feel as if I have this immense weight on my shoulders bearing down on my and steadily growing heavier - it makes me think of everything I have done wrong, every misstep in my marriage and it makes me shudder. I fear that my sisters might one day come to me saying, "I'm leaving him." I fear that one day my mother could announce to us that she is divorcing again. But sadly, as I sit here right now trying to take solace in fuzzy socks, chocolate milk, and pouring my heart out in this blog, I am more afraid of the fact that I have to be afraid.

Today, I am shaken.

- Alex