So I've basically come to the conclusion that there are a crap-ton of things that no one ever tells you about pregnancy. I've never been ashamed of my Google searches until recently: I never thought I would have to have that whole "No, let me explain!" conversation about why I'd Googled something. It all started when Mitch noticed that my armpits were darker than the rest of my skin. Being the sweetheart that he is, he literally said, "Are your armpits just super hairy or are they actually darker?" with a look of extreme caution and creeped-outed-ness: what a keeper. I immediately started to Google skin darkening and pregnancy and then one link led to another and all of a sudden I was reading about some woman that was offering breast-feeding services for people that wanted breast milk for daily consumption and all that jazz.

It was like a Google-ception. I have no clue how I even got there.

I've also come to realize that I will not be able to clip or paint my own toenails. No one ever told me to hold that small hygiene practice sacred when I could still do it! My husband effectively thinks that I am turning into a big, fat, hairy Sasquatch. It doesn't help that it isn't warm enough to shave my legs yet - that is, if I can even reach them when the time comes. Pinterest prepared me for the extra body hair, stretchmarks, and weight. It in no way prepared me for the humiliation that is trying to take off your own socks when you are already lying down in bed. 

Also, why has everyone been telling me that breast feeding is a breeze when I can't even handle taking a shower with the water spraying directly onto these bad boys? Is this normal!? When is someone going to come up to me, hand me a kleenex, and basically say, "It hurts like a mother-trucker; it'll seriously kick your trash. You'll cry. You'll wonder how women have breastfed for thousands of years." and then gently pat my shoulder as I question everything I thought I knew about having a child. With how much that hurts, I can hardly even imagine how it's going to feel getting the little stinker out of me!

Speaking of the little stinker (whom I love dearly), he is freaking strong! Sometimes I question whether that was a kick or if my child is trying to punish me. It's like he is training to become a professional wrestler with my kidneys. This kid (who is still nameless) had better come out with rock-solid biceps and quads since my stomach feels like a kick-boxing ring and not a vessel of sacred motherhood.

Someone told me yesterday that the worst part of labor was going to the bathroom afterward. Then they proceeded to tell me all about their IV's and the epidural needle and how labor was a breeze after they were basically stabbed by a pencil! Just the thought of those needles is making me contemplate doing this whole birthing thing cave-woman style. I can't even handle them drawing my blood at my regular checkups; I seriously apologized about a million times to the sweet little 60 year-old woman that drew my blood the very first time. I was a wreck and I was all like, "Oh hey, maybe you shouldn't do this because I'm really thinking I might physically react and punch you. You should probably get my husband to hold down my legs and arms so that you can do this." She just stared at me and said, "Hunny, whatever happened in your past - get over it. I've given birth to 5 boys. Do your worst." and then she maniacally plunged the needle into my arm and just dead-pan stared me in the eyes. Then she pulled out the needle, handed me that scratchy cotton ball and left without saying another word.

I've never been so afraid of a little old lady. She is what nightmares are made of. It's like she's been trained to smell fear.

Basically, what I am trying to say is why do we always talk about how awesome pregnancy is and never fully divulge how uptown-funky it is too? I just need someone to put me in my place and tell me straight up what I'm getting myself into when birth comes along. If I read another blog or birth-story that says "Pregnancy was hard, like it always is" I'm going to karate chop someone in half. 

I've got 10 weeks to mentally prepare myself and save the embarrassment of asking my new doctor all of these random questions I've got floating in my head like "Gorge myself before giving birth... or eat ice chips for 10 hours?" and "Let's say my water were to break on someone's couch... is proper protocol to go to the doctor immediately or start some oxy-clean on that beezy?" You know, just your everyday basic questions when you've got a lot of time to think of everything that could go wrong.

I'm so excited for this little guy to come! He is already the light of my life - I'd just like to know if my happily-ever-after is going to require a lot of "pregnancy popsicles" and stitches.