I am so incredibly blessed to be able to attend BYU-Idaho, where testimonies from all around the world are shared each Tuesday. This week Elder Holland, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve in the LDS religion came to speak.

I have needed to hear these words for a long time.

Recently, Mitch and I were told that having children naturally would be very difficult for us. My doctor diagnosed me with P.C.O.S. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which means that my body will over-produce androgynous hormones and my adrenal glands can not keep converting those hormones to estrogen, so my brain will shut off hormone production until it gets all caught up again. This in turn means that my body does not cycle regularly and that my hormone levels are very irregular. This also means that my body doesn't ovulate or even menstruate regularly; I probably have 4-5 cycles in any given year. I used to think that it was such a blessing - I didn't have to be embarrassed about starting my period at school, I didn't ever have to worry about changing out tampons while I was swimming. There would be some summers were I wouldn't have a period at all. I thought that it was awesome.

But now that I am so baby hungry, and Mitch and I have been married for almost two years, it is heart wrenching. I never thought that I would struggle with fertility. I thought that I was in the clear, that it was only women who had real problems that struggled to have children. And I have been struggling for quite some time now. Listening to this talk on happiness helped me to recognize that there is a quest for happiness and not just a right to be happy. We must push ourselves forward with the desire for happiness in order to truly find it.  "Happiness is not easy to find running straight for it... if you haven't learned it already, you will learn in the years ahead that most times happiness comes to us when we least expect it, when we are busy doing something else."

I admit, I have felt stuck in a sort of dredge. With friends announcing their first pregnancies, their second pregnancies, their third pregnancies, I have been extremely jealous. I have cried, I have complained, and I have asked the inevitable "Why!?" I needed to hear this talk in order to bring myself out of that slump. I needed to hear Elder Holland's promise that all will be well.

"Live in this manner that I am showing you and teaching you — and whatsoever you ask will be given, whatsoever you seek you will find, including happiness. Parts of the blessing may come soon, parts may come later, and parts may not come until heaven but they will come — all of them. What encouragement!"

I am so grateful for this sweet assurance this week, especially while new information about our fertility develops. I am so grateful that Elder Holland was asked to speak to us, that I was motivated to go to this particular devotional (as well as 15,000+ other students) to hear these words.

Watch and listen to his talk here. I hope that you will also find what you are looking for. 

I recently finished the book "Six Thinking Hats" by Edward De Bono, and I really loved what I read! I thought I would share with you some of the better highlights because this book can be applied to many facets of life.

In what I could only categorize as a "Self-Help" book, De Bono teaches readers the 6 different thinking modes we need to be aware of so that we can isolate them in order to improve our thinking. The book is meant to help business with their lines of thinking, however I really see this as being something anyone could use for anything: family counsels, in a classroom, doing homework, preparing a talk or a debate, when you are the leader of any sort of project or group.

The first thinking hat is White, and it is all about the facts and information. When called to think with the white hat, only facts and figures can be added to the conversation. There is no emotion, no expansion, and no judgement on those facts. You just analyze the very basic structure of facts and put them out on the table.

The second thinking hat is Red, where you take all of those facts and speak about your emotional reasoning. Statements such as "I think..." or "I feel..." are acceptable during this time. You do not have to justify your feelings, but you can.

The third thinking hat is Yellow, which is all about optimism. Participants in the conversation can only bring up reasonable positive statements, such as "This will work because..." or "If we can get this accomplished, we will be able to do this..." There is no debate allowed during this part of the discussion. This part of the discussion is actually meant to energize everyone about the project, idea, or discussion.

The fourth thinking hat is Black, which is all about pessimism. When using this hat, all participants can only bring up judgement about what has been said. They can disagree with someones feelings, they can disagree with the facts that have been stated. They can in general share any cautions that they think need to be addressed. During this time, there is no debate or rebuttal as well.

The fifth thinking hat is Green, which is usually the problem solving hat because it involves coming up with alternatives and being creative. Don't like what has already been shared or where the conversation is heading? Bring up some creative alternatives during this time. Need more ideas or prompts? Have a creative thinking session here.

The last hat is the Blue hat, which is usually worn by the person leading the conversation. They are in charge of keeping everyone on track, letting everyone know what hats they should be wearing at a certain time, and keeping track of the progress and ideas that everyone comes up with.

Overall, these hats can be worn in any order to accomplish something. Discussions about who gets to do what, what you are actually going to be doing, etc. can all be accomplished through this method. I would highly recommend reading the book (even though it is quite old!) if you think that there would ever be a time when you have to discuss something that two people disagree on - so basically everything. The best part of this line of thinking is that you don't have to announce that you are using black thinking or that you are switching hats - the format in general will help you to better formulate your arguments. If you start with laying out the general facts, moving on to emotional appeals, stating the positive outcomes and countering the negative outcomes, you have a great argument!

I thought that this book was a breeze to read through as well, and I can't wait to try it out with kiddos some day in a classroom! Imagine being able to organize everyone's thinking before they sit down to write a paper or stand up to give a presentation! Plus making the hats would be freaking sweet!

This past week, Mitch and I started our new semester up at BYU-Idaho! Unlike last semester, this semester feels like it is already starting to drag. I've never been so tired in all my life! I think the worst part is that I don't have any fun classes to look forward to. I do have one class that stands out as my favorite, but it seems like the work load will be extremely difficult, especially since I have to pass a State test in order to pass the class.

Mitch's semester has been going well so far. I have no clue how he can do all of the math he does! Starting school up again always gives me a new appreciation for Mitch and his hard work. He takes around 2-3 math classes simultaneously each semester and has to deal with that entire workload. And it isn't that easy stuff I am doing either. Each one of his assignments only has three problems on it because each problem takes an hour to complete! In class, they only have enough time to finish maybe one of the problems if they are lucky. 

Poor guy /:

But, we started off the semester right by getting into all sorts of trouble on Sunday and Monday! On Sunday, Mitch and I took the four-wheelers out for a spin in the sand dunes near my family's house. We took my sister, Abbi, and my families foreign exchange student, Toni, who had never been on anything like a four-wheeler before! She was absolutely hilarious - nervous, excited, not exactly sure what to do. It was so fun taking her out and seeing her experience something like this for the first time because she was in Heaven!

We were chasing the sunset and it was gorgeous once we finally got to the top of the mountain. It made me so awe-struck to look out on this marvelous world we have. It was like I was discovering the world all over again sitting up there.

Since we chased the sunset on our way up the mountain, on our way down the mountain it started getting dark, fast. And like any good Holt knows, this is when you decide to take a different path home for the sake of adventure!

Well, let me tell you what. It was an adventure! We took this path that had trees on both sides, whose trunks were only inches away from the body of the Razor at all times. It was like a death trap, but the most gorgeous, thrilling death trap ever! It was beautiful to see the rows of trees lit up only by the headlights and we were completely surrounded! Now that I look back on it, that would totally be the plot of a horror movie. A family goes four-wheeling, gets lost in the dark in the midst of a forest, killer. Bam, bam, bam. But that isn't what happened to us! We went through a puddle so deep, you had to pull your legs up on the seat in order to stay dry! 

It was SO fun! It made me want to buy a Razor and drive it everywhere! 

Lastly, I am the Chair of all Relief Society Activities in my church, so I was in charge of setting up the Ward Opening Social for the semester. I decided that in the Spirit of Fall, we would have a carnival!

If you actually met Tessa, you would think she was very serious and reserved. Thankfully, I've had the opportunity to get to know her very closely over the past few months! She is anything but! I'm so grateful to have absolutely wonderful friends while we are here in Rexburg. It has been such a blessing, especially when my personality is a little bit awkward and sardonic.

Overall, I don't think another semester's first week will be able to top this one!!

September 11th, 2001 changed my life forever. 

It was not just a scarring experience that I witnessed on the news. It was a catastrophic event that has truly changed my life down to this very day. The effects of 9/11 are still felt so tenderly for me because, well, the things that happened in 2001 in New York have bitten my heels clear into Idaho, 2014.

I remember getting ready to leave for school when my mom turned on the news downstairs. We had a giant boxed television that came with wheels just so you could move the thing, plus my mother always had a habit of watching the news each morning while she combed out her hair. The only difference was that today, she was doing it all downstairs right as I was putting on my backpack and getting ready to leave.

I heard her whimper, a sound that I heard during those dog commercials where Sarah Mclachlan tries to get you to donate money to the saddest little puppy eyes imaginable. I knew this meant my mom was about to cry. 

I ran into the living room to see the news footage replaying over and over again an airplane crashing into a building. In my little  8 year old mind, I did not know what I was watching, but I knew that it was devastating to make my mom cry like she did.

When my mom finally calmed down enough, she hugged me with the tightest squeeze she could, the news still flashing in the background. She didn't explain anything, only said, "We will talk about this later." and sent me off to school.

At school, they made us watch the news footage over again and asked us if we knew what it was we were watching. All I knew was that it made my mom cry and as I had come to find out, every adult was crying. For some reason, our Pledge of Allegiance that morning was said with more gusto by the students, and more humbly by the teachers.

It wasn't until I got home again and my mother sat us down that I learned what had happened, how many people were thought to be dead. Over the course of the next week, my parents would give me little sound bites of information, but I think a panic must have set in because my mother kept her door closed in the mornings while she watched TV, or she didn't turn on the TV at all.

What my 8-year-old brain couldn't comprehend, my 11-year-old brain could.

My parents bought us tickets to Disney World that year for Christmas. We each got beautiful new suitcases and on top of each one, almost as if it were the bow, was our personal plane tickets to Florida. It didn't take much searching to find this present, it was just merely stuck behind our plaid green couch in our front living room. It took only a glance at the ticket to comprehend Disney! It was the most generous gift my parents had given us up to that point. None of us were expecting it, I think we had pretty much already come to terms with the fact that we would never "vacation" anywhere except for on our sailboat.

Later that year, in May, my parents told us the news. My dad was going to Iraq in just one short month. He would be gone for 24 months in Kuwait as a Tank Commander. They had waited to tell us in order to soften the blow or the sting or the sadness. I went to school the next day and proudly told my 5th grade teacher that my dad had been called to serve, and she hugged me. She held onto me for dear life for what could have been 30 seconds, right in front of the rest of the class as they filed into their seats. I think that the realness of the situation hadn't sunk in quite yet.

I remember we all loaded up in the car and drove to where the soldiers would be flying out. When we got to the base, there was just a sea of green camo. I remember looking out and distracting myself by trying to find people sleeping in that sea. Today, I look back on that and realize that these soldiers were sent off to Iraq alone, with nothing better to do than lie down on the cement next to their bags, no one to send them off, to love them or kiss them. Then, it was just a way for me to be occupied so I wouldn't have to continually cry.

They had all of the soldiers grab their things and stand in a line at attention. One by one, the line filed through and all of the families of these soldiers had to just sit and tearfully watch their husbands, sons, fathers march to the plane waiting out back. A lady would go around to all of the children that were crying the hardest and give them a pin of the American flag, facing as if it were marching into battle. I got one of those pins, but in anger, or frustration, maybe negligence, I lost it that very day.

In the course of two-years, I forgot many things. I forgot what it was like to hear a guitar being strummed in the living room. I forgot what my dad's snort sounded like. I couldn't remember the color of his eyes. All I could remember was "19 months until your dad comes home!" or "13 months until Dad is home!" I remember receiving more Christmas cards that year than we ever had before, and how my mom would tape them up onto the closet door in a way that we could see them all and read their messages. Beside it, she put a picture of my dad on a small table as some sort of homage. The picture was in a golden frame with red and green mistletoe painted around it. I can remember that frame, but I could not remember my dad's height, or where I stood when I hugged him around the middle.

The things I did remember were small, like when we would eat dinner, he would use his hands to speak quite frequently, except for he would forget to first put down his utensils, so he would be waving a knife around or point at us with a spoon or a fork. I remembered the fact that his head always looked so small when he wore the headphones he plugged into his amp. I remembered snapshots, but no real physical detail after too short a number of a months passed. 

We installed a peep hole in our front door after he left. My mom let them install it at my height because I was home most often - I was also the only one that scrambled to get up from whatever I was doing the minute the door bell rang, almost like a little Chihuahua puppy who's bark is bigger than it's bite. By the time my dad returned, I had to bend at the knees to look through that peep hole. 

Today, 10 years later, we no longer have that mistletoe frame. There are no guitars in the house. Our new door does not have a peep hole. I haven't actually even been to my father's new house. I saw him for the first time in a year two weeks ago when my niece was born. So much has changed in my life because of that event. And maybe many will say that it wasn't 9/11's fault, or he knew what he was signing up for when he joined the army. But I don't think many people recognize the after effects, such as PTSD, divorce, separated families, death, lost personalities.

Today, reminds me of so many things, but today mostly reminds me that some of my wounds are still fresh.