Modesty?

There have been a lot of disgruntled "modesty nay-sayers" posting on their blogs recently due to the "yearbook cropping scandal!" that surfaced this past week. Many of these posts exclaim that "Mormons can't force their opinions on everyone" that "Utah needs to stop letting Mormon's do what they want" and lastly that "Modesty is a joke."

I used to agree with you, nay-sayers. I used to think that modesty was a joke; my belly button made no difference whether it was covered or not, my muffin top wasn't bringing all the boys to the yard whether I wanted it to or not. I thought that modesty was old-fashioned, out-dated, and ludicrous, just like many of you believe. But something changed.

Dear Nay-Sayers,

I still agree with you - to a extent. Modesty in it's commonly-known form can be ludicrous - to an extent. Modesty is not wearing seven layers to cover up anything that might be exposed. Modesty should not be a measurement of how long your skirt or shorts are. Modesty should also not claim to help keep boys away from pornographic thoughts (those thoughts will come whether you are dressed Amish or in a bikini).

Modesty, most importantly, should not be the exact same thing to every single woman or man.

In my defiant days, I wore dresses, skirts, shirts, you name it, that were shorter than short. I wore them around the house. I wore them to the store. I wore them to church without a care. I think just about everyone in my parent's old home ward might have seen my ovaries at one time or another. I was trying to make a statement that I didn't care about uptight regulations and modesty. While I was making a statement, it was not the statement I had intended.

I was nailing the lid on the coffin that modesty is all about length. How long are your shorts? Are they fingertip length? How low-cut is your shirt? Is your cleavage covered? If you bent over, could I see the backs of your thighs? That was all that I thought modesty was - inches and layers to cover up anything that was too short or low.

But it is not.

I've had time, about two years, to reflect my night and day "transformation." I had always assumed it came because I had met my husband and he was a return missionary, so I dressed the way a return missionary would expect. But that wasn't really the cause, merely a correlation. I started to recognize the idea that what I am wearing is an outside depiction of an inward conviction.

Modesty is not about pornography. Modesty is not a ruler. Modesty is not even about how you dress.

My dearest nay-sayers, maybe now you will understand me a bit better when I say I 'kind of' to agree with you. One quick search of the term 'Modesty' on Pinterest brought up the images in the first picture on this post. Many of those images depict modesty as appearance, using terms such as appropriate, beautiful, classy, and comfortable. To me, modesty has very little to do with clothing. To me, modesty is an expression of my inner conviction to live virtuously. Modesty is more than how I appear. It is how I carry myself, how I think about myself, and how I 'advertise' myself as one of those pictures put it. And do you want to know the greatest thing my definition of modesty has? The words 'I' and 'myself' in it. Not 'you', 'your', 'her', 'his', or even 'their'. If modesty is this inward conviction that I chose to depict outwardly, then it needs to be about my conviction. Not what you think, not what they think, and not what men think. I personally had to make the choice to change the way I represented the virtuous life I choose to live. I had to set my own standards for what modesty is. You cannot set it for me, just as I cannot set it for you.

Growing up, I was told that modesty was enforced because of the rising trend in pornography. I was told that how I dressed could influence how people thought - and to an extent it does. If I am going into a courtroom or a job interview dressed like I was going to a club, I am more than likely not going to get the job I want and I would definitely not make a good first impression with the judge. But when did I become responsible for my peers pornography addictions? Was it that one day in 7th grade when my skirt was just a bit too short and I was nervous enough trying to keep it down while I walked? Was it that one time that I dressed in a low cut shirt and sat at a desk doing worksheets all day? No. Just as my modesty is representative of my inner conviction, so is their pornography addiction, or their risk of a pornography addiction. Modesty affects men and women both, but not only in the context of pornography, rape, pregnancy, and righteousness. Modesty is truly the way we represent how we feel about ourselves, whether it is walking with our head held high one day going somewhere with as much confidence as we can muster, or the exact opposite. While dress and appearance may be a part of it, clothing is not the only factor to modesty. It is simply an outcome.

Therefore, my nay-saying friends, you have to realize that you are also perpetuating the problem. Many of you exclaim that dressing in knee-length skirts is a joke, shouting to the rooftops that the way women dress should not be linked to rape, and becoming outraged that a bunch of pictures were photoshopped to include higher necklines. But this is the problem. If you are wanting to empower young women and men, wouldn't you want to teach them to have confidence in themselves? To represent themselves in their best light? Whether or not you include clothing in the conversation does not matter.

So, I must ask, is modesty really a joke? Is your conviction of your lifestyle a joke? Am I a joke because I made the decision to dress in a way that grants me confidence and frees me from constantly stressing about what others think of me? Or is it the fact that you are stating clothing says more about a person than the message they are trying to depict through their mannerisms and self-confidence?

I do not think the pictures should have been photo-shopped. I do not agree that forcing our beliefs on others is justifiable in any way, shape, or form. However, I do think that modesty has received a very negative connotation lately that it does not deserve, especially when it is meant to be such an uplifting, personal aspect of every single person's life.

So, continue to nay-say if you must, but please recognize you are being part of the problem, not the solution.