Dear Baby, Please Vacate my Va-jay-jay

My pregnancy has been this glorious, easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl kind of pregnancy.

No heartburn. No morning sickness. No food aversions. No weird smells. No leg cramps. No restless legs. No huge weight gain. No weird stretch marks. Yes to eating all day er' day.

Until these last three weeks.

Mitch had to leave for his annual training with the military and I was left at home alone. During those two weeks, I not only acquired horrendous stretch marks, I also developed PUPPPS - an itchy rash in your stretch marks because your body is telling itself it is allergic to being pregnant. Basically.

My PUPPPS were mostly manageable unless I was wearing a very tight shirt, but the doctor I have still prescribed a steroid cream for me to use to help the rash alleviate itself. The cream didn't do piddly squat for me at all, but I kept using it hoping to get results.

That is, until I broke out in hives all over my entire body. Not just pregnancy hives, but those hivey-hives that signal a serious allergic reaction to something, that itch like a banshee all day long, and that can't be cured by anything except for an oral steroid that you are not allowed to take while pregnant!

Sooo... I went from "glowing, vibrant, elementary-school-volunteering mama" to "only gets out of bed to re-up her Benadryl coma mama" very quickly.

The worst part of it all is the fact that my Doctor was completely astounded by my hives and how progressive they were. I am literally covered except for my back (GLORY, GLORY HALLELUJAH!!!!), my chest, neck, and face. You would think that his shock and awe would make him actually do something sweet... like freaking induce me so I can get those oral steroids!

Instead, he says, "Sorry, bud. Nothing we can do for you until you go into labor naturally. See you on your due date for your next check-up!" Basically.

So for the past three weeks, I have been itchy and miserable. Poor Mitchell came home at the worst time - right as my hives were starting - and has had to doctor me since. To make matters even worse - if that is possible - I am not dilated at all. It likes this baby is in love with heavy medications and my warm, itchy belly. He is not moving out anytime soon. I've started doing squats, jumping jacks, and last night, we went on a three mile walk.

If I don't have this baby by this weekend, I do not know what I will do. But I have recently watched Taken and I feel like that knowledge could come in handy this Saturday night for one tiny little man named Doctor Hashmati. Basically.