Happiness

I am so incredibly blessed to be able to attend BYU-Idaho, where testimonies from all around the world are shared each Tuesday. This week Elder Holland, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve in the LDS religion came to speak.

I have needed to hear these words for a long time.

Recently, Mitch and I were told that having children naturally would be very difficult for us. My doctor diagnosed me with P.C.O.S. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which means that my body will over-produce androgynous hormones and my adrenal glands can not keep converting those hormones to estrogen, so my brain will shut off hormone production until it gets all caught up again. This in turn means that my body does not cycle regularly and that my hormone levels are very irregular. This also means that my body doesn't ovulate or even menstruate regularly; I probably have 4-5 cycles in any given year. I used to think that it was such a blessing - I didn't have to be embarrassed about starting my period at school, I didn't ever have to worry about changing out tampons while I was swimming. There would be some summers were I wouldn't have a period at all. I thought that it was awesome.

But now that I am so baby hungry, and Mitch and I have been married for almost two years, it is heart wrenching. I never thought that I would struggle with fertility. I thought that I was in the clear, that it was only women who had real problems that struggled to have children. And I have been struggling for quite some time now. Listening to this talk on happiness helped me to recognize that there is a quest for happiness and not just a right to be happy. We must push ourselves forward with the desire for happiness in order to truly find it.  "Happiness is not easy to find running straight for it... if you haven't learned it already, you will learn in the years ahead that most times happiness comes to us when we least expect it, when we are busy doing something else."

I admit, I have felt stuck in a sort of dredge. With friends announcing their first pregnancies, their second pregnancies, their third pregnancies, I have been extremely jealous. I have cried, I have complained, and I have asked the inevitable "Why!?" I needed to hear this talk in order to bring myself out of that slump. I needed to hear Elder Holland's promise that all will be well.

"Live in this manner that I am showing you and teaching you — and whatsoever you ask will be given, whatsoever you seek you will find, including happiness. Parts of the blessing may come soon, parts may come later, and parts may not come until heaven but they will come — all of them. What encouragement!"

I am so grateful for this sweet assurance this week, especially while new information about our fertility develops. I am so grateful that Elder Holland was asked to speak to us, that I was motivated to go to this particular devotional (as well as 15,000+ other students) to hear these words.

Watch and listen to his talk here. I hope that you will also find what you are looking for.